This place has to help cus i need alot....... my crash

I always thought that i could manage my own needs, likes, cravings but some have slip out of my hands so much I can only begin to explain my inner felling, but I am so ashamed with my parents at this moment, that eventough my present tears may seem worthless , I never in my life have I ever felt this way, not to say I feel worthless but I really have hit rock bottom, and I really never wanted to get this far down, or be such embarrasment to myself and to my whole family, I know that u love me and u have all tried to be there for me eventough I really never been there for anyone of you and I have been hateing my life for some time now, and the odd thing is that as much as I hated it I havent really done much to make it better but i have succeded in making it worse not only for me but my parent as welll, I really until recently started to realize all the harm I really have caused them before my last incident

I more today that any other moment in my life see that my acciones havent been to make my life a better one but, to make it easier to go to hell, and im past that,i havent prayer much in my life but, i really hope that everyone helps me be different even God's help I need.
I have wanted to be another person so long, i really never, be this hurtfull, hatefull, person i have become, unstable, and eradic, i know i dont have many chances or opportunities now than I had before but I cant keep wasting my life like iIhave, I want to be that person who can take care of others, careing, loving, that had a normal life, eventhough no one is normal for that I have something to look for, have a future ; cus I dont have one right now, all because I havent put all my effort in actually changing my life.

The thing that is scarry is that i dont what to fail at this, not this time not ever again, i have the best family in world, and i havent been thankfull to u at all, what I wish as anyone is that life were simple and always had an ilusiion that I'd would get better by itself, but i was crazy to think this for so long, and now faced with my own destruction by my own hand i fear even of myself, i fear failing to change but i dont have choice if i ever want to be part of this family as i dreamed to be, and as normal as I should be.
I cant fail at this as i have failed in other occasions thinking that it be ok but look at me im not ok, I'm person that lost his way many years ago and want's so badly to retake, restart, reboot myself cus I really, am so tired of being this thing I am!.... I cant explain.